Day 9 & 10 - Bummer - Mon. 10-5-09 & Tue.10-6-09

Monday
Today I woke up ready to kick some fanny, I am riding high on my big week one- bring it on world!
My usual routine is to get up and head right for the bathroom, do my business and measure the success. Every day I have had a good result sometimes 2lbs maybe 3lbs or 5lbs - I was coming off a day with 4 1/2 soccer games and no food so.......drumroll.......309....I stand and stare. Didn't it say 309 yesterday morning - what is this Groundhogs Day. OK my feet must have been on there wrong - damn that scale is dusty there must be 2lbs of dust on that thing (pick it up dust it off check the ground underneath) there lets try this again.....re run drumroll.......309.....as my daughter would say "Are you kidding me" - how is that possible, I am crushed.
I know what your thinking, "you selfish man you have so much success and your complaining about one setback, shame on you" and your right - probably just retaining water or something - no problemo!
So I got dressed and headed to the Y for 8:00 am Mat Pilates and the 9:00 step class - I left the Y with the Gloria Gaynor anthem "I Will Survive" ringing in my ears and wailing like a drag queen.

You think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive!
Look out belly I am coming for you!

Tuesday
As I start to stir awake from a restless night sleep - part anticipation and part apprehension - Gloria starts to take over my mind lifting me up

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry Now I hold my head up high
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
and I'll survive
I will survive!

Boy I feel gay today, I have got to get that song out of my head.....any whoooo.....off to my friend the scale. Routine time - tinkle and weigh in....address scale "Good morning old friend this will only hurt for a moment"......check for dust and then climb on (I have a digital scale so it sort of does this loading thing with zero's) 0 0 0 0 0 0 "COME ON" 0 0 0 0 0 0........309......how can that be.....two days of exercise and fasting and nothing......this is not good.

This is typically where things breakdown, you start to doubt what your doing and you begin to listen to your internal saboteur "See I told you it wouldn't work" "Whats the point, you work so hard for nothing" "This is stupid! no one believes you can do it any way""Quit". I can't really blame my brain, we have worked together on creating this body for a long time and now I am screwing with the program - he is just defending his territory.
Being fat is a strange phenomenon - I mean you know your fat - hell you probably have been fat most of your life yet it still catches you by surprise. You walk past some windows at the mall and catch your reflection or see a picture, some little kid tells you "your fat", someone makes a joke at your expense and everyone laughs. It never really sinks in, you write it off with "that shirt makes me look fat" "that kid is a brat" "what a dick that guy is". Then one day you go to the doctor and he says you have diabetes or high blood pressure or bad ankles whatever and you are stunned and ask how did this happen - he is just as stunned that you had to ask "your obese and you have been for along time".
Then you get it, you go crazy and do whatever you can to lose weight and you lose 20 or 50 or 100 pounds but never really convince your brain to get with the program and so many times it slips away....it hurts and makes the next time even harder.....it terrifies me.
My hope is this time I can persuade my brain to come along with my heart and be a team player - I mean it's not like I overwork it or anything it owes me for skipping college and becoming a janitor - we will see.

HIT IT GLORIA!
First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
I will survive!

I did get moving and got to the Y for 8:00am Yoga and 9:00am step class and got to play two soccer games at night - Yeah bonus soccer!
Talk to you soon!
Joe
Peace!